"You don't have to be perfect to be a perfect parent."

I'm sitting in our bed with Jimmy asleep beside me, and I am doing the only thing that will give me solace. I scoured the nightstand for paper and a pen to write, but had little luck.  I need to write.  I'm dying inside...

I apologize for sounding dramatic, but we've reached our limit.  The two kids keep waking up over and over and over and over again throughout the night.  We have created monsters.  They are in their rooms for the duration of the night, but only once has either child slept through the night - ever.

We've decided to try the "crying it out" method with Reagan tonight.  She has made the most progress with her sleep habits and we hope this will be the last nudge she needs to start sleeping through the night.  However, as I sit here, my heart is heavy with guilt and my head races to find the wisdom passed on to me from friends, family, and previous reading.

When I am overcome with fear of failure as Reagan's cries get louder, I think of Turning Stones: My days and nights with children at risk by Marc Parent.  In the epilogue the author describes how children are created perfect.  It is our job as parents to not ruin what naturally arrives so pure and innocent.  Am I going to tarnish Reagan?  Will her captivating smile fade?  Will she feel less loved?  

"No kid has ever died from crying," a friend once told me in reference to her children.  Never researched this, but it is the only thing keeping me from busting down that door and scooping her up.  If she can't die, she'll make it, right?

"We only intervened when he sounded so hysterical that he was red and splotchy in the face."  Helpful, but I keep doubting my mother's intuition.  Is this particular wave of crying hysterical? Should I preempt the hysteria and give in to her cries?

"It is a tried and true method of sleep training," our sage-like friends told us tonight.  Ah, now this is something I can cling to.  It is true, people have allowed kids to cry it out for eons, so I can't possibly screw up Reagan otherwise every child would be screwed up... I'll ignore the local news that shows me that every person is actually screwed up...

Wait, she just stopped.  I hope she's alive, but she is quiet.  Maybe this worked...

My father once told me that parenting is hit or miss, because it is inevitable that you are going to make the wrong decision every now and again.  We all do.  What is most important isn't necessarily the outcome of your decision, but that you approached the situation with love.  "Did you do it with love and did you think it was the right thing to do?  Ask yourself that and you'll be a great mom," he said.

Ultimately, I know my dad is right.  Right and wrong isn't always crystal clear in the hundreds of little parenting decisions we make every day.  Tonight I am doing this with love, sweet Reagan, and hopefully you'll benefit in the end.